We naturally wake up around 5:30, our sleep patterns are becoming closer. Josh and I start with deciding what to do for the day and proceed into Walmart beginning with our morning routine of brushing teeth and wiping of our face. I talked Joshua into buying the clothes for the photo shoot this morning– we don’t need to backtrack later.
We were shopping for something that would look good on us, I was anyhow. This experiment was more personal than skimming the sections for patterns or taking photos. I was fulfilled, fully feeling that both my mind and body were in the act. Limited to the women’s section made the task much more difficult. Its difficult to imagine myself in any of these see clothes, my mind only envisions them on women bodies. (conditioned?)
The dressing room attendant seemed a bit surprised to see me try on women’s clothes, she was speechless when I came out to show Josh. I tried a skirt on over my black long johns, covering my legs completely, I actually thought I looked good in these. I tried on a pair of jeans too, When I looked in the mirror I saw a woman, legs in tight jeans– I felt myself. My mind was in a state of confusion, so I rush my eyes to see my face in the mirror , I felt really detached from my body. It was odd to see someone else in my reflection, and it being a girl made it all the more difficult.
The confusion carried over and became complete rejection. Once I put on the female top there was no way to forget that I am looking at myself, a man. My appearance made me woozy. Broad brown hairy muscular shoulders and the hair exposed on my chest were at odds with how I wanted to see myself. This does not look good– I have to make this look good. I move my body around a bit, okay, at least it’s comfortable, I say to persuade myself. I think, wondering what makes this type shirt desirable on bodies, thinking of ways to fool myself— could I achieve this?
I let out a sigh trying to relax so that I can concentrate, wondering, can I really find something for me? Okay, those shoulders have to go, I decide I can wear any type of loose cloth that would not cling to the body, maybe a scarf, or one of these loose half sweater things, maybe. I exit the dressing room on a mission trying to fix or hide these things. Joshua asks me repeatedly after I exit the dressing room, “ What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I was in a daze from the sight of my reflection.