I feel alone in such a major way tonight. Enduring the project, I’ve been feeling this way since around seven, but there were a lot of signs adding up to this moment.
My inability to share the project today, directly after the shoot. What was I doing in women’s clothes? What was he doing in women’s clothes? It felt like a disaster. I couldn’t gauge his feelings and it’s hard for me to tell jokes from the truth anymore– It’s hard for me to tell myself a joke from the truth anymore…
He was beautiful in every woman’s outfit, and me– I felt like I could have been, there was the potential, but whatever these feeling are– in all their complexities, I am left to feel alone, to have thought we shared anything may have been a mistake; what we have in common is the need to be away. There’s no way it seems — tonight. I felt like we both covered for ourselves, at what point do we not discuss the project… The separation between act, performance, and its relationship to how I need to live my life (pouring out)
I was able to touch the shirt and for the first time the shirt was able to encapsulate my skin– we knew each other, but the moment I remember is that we must depart and I am left alone, I will be left alone– clothes touching my body, alone.
The things closest leave us alone.
Morgen: 6.27.16 (after the midnight hour)
I don’t see why you feel lonely or why you will remain with such a feeling for the rest of your time. People are drawn to individuals that relate to one’s self. I think that people may gain the sense of loneliness from not being able to fully express what’s going on in their mind or how they really feel about things; the inability to know these things about yourself only adds to the tension created from the built feelings of loneliness. This is where my loneliness stems from anyhow and I have admitted that this will probably remain for my life time.
Although, the loneliness you speak of probably doesn’t relate to feelings of detachment and an inability to understand the self. The sense of loneliness that I initially got from your writing was that I should have promoted conversation about what we did today, so we could come to a more clear understanding of how it felt, and why we were doing it.
I noticed your signs of discomfort or nervousness before seven. This morning, throughout the process of shopping you seemed comfortable; I was probably most affected by that because I was seeing myself as the clothes that I put on and the way my body looked in them, to me, was very distasteful. I nearly vomited in the dressing room, my mind is able to see that this body I have is an attractive one from being moderately fit, but it also could not break past how it was not “beautiful” which is displayed in the softness of a woman’s body. The clothes on my body created contrast between the way I see myself and envision beauty, so I needed to find a way to cover myself a bit. I had something like a scarf to wear with every outfit, (I think, why I did not look at myself once during the photo shoot nor did I ask to see any of the pictures.) I went through with the shoot because I want a male to see and feel like he can look good in whatever he chooses to put on his body. The moment I notice you were a bit nervous about things was when you asked me the question, before the photo shoot began, “are you sure you want to do this outside?” My initial thought was how would a man who wants to wear female clothing be comfortable doing so in public if we’re not even able to during a photo shoot. Taking the first shots in the room, this was my first shoot ever, I had no clue what to do or how to pose. Later, I found out that I am to replicate feminine gestures. You were not able to lead me much in the first outfit, possibly because your mind was still accepting the situation that was taking place. After we left the room you seemed a bit more comfortable and became more comfortable directing me. I thought you grew most comfortable once I was in the final outfit, the most neutral one, you became a different photographer, you were energetic, expressive and demanded poses, snapping pictures faster than before. This change was subtle and I was gaining comfort with the idea of the whole thing so I didn’t feel the need to address why or how we gained comfort. At the end of my shoot there were people coming into the hotel with us, and I wanted to make it a point to you that they would have little or no reaction to my outfit, the only thing I noticed was that the lady may have gave me a second look, to confirm what her eyes saw. That’s nothing new, besides I was checking her out too, so…
Once it was your turn to be the model I knew you would be uncomfortable leaving the room with all the people around, I totally understood where you were coming from, so I told you that I would leave my last outfit on until the end of the shoot. I was hoping this would help comfort you. After the hall cleared besides the Asian ladies ,who seemed polite, that remained sitting in the lobby, you were willing to walk past. After we got a few pictures taken outside and a car drove by you ran to duck and hide for cover behind our car. I think this irregular movement can draw more attention than your outfit. If you wear it proudly all one can do is ask you how you found so much courage. If they dare insult you, I am also there for you, another body who is going to step up when you least expect it. We walk together so when one stumbles the other brings them balance.
Finally, after the shoot ended I asked the guy, who was in the office during our entire shoot, what he thought about our actions and outfits. He didn’t actually see anything he only knew that we were going to take some photos because Joshua asked to make sure it would be okay. So, he asked the common question, what we are doing, Though I was speaking to this man and he was looking at me, this line is Josh’s cue to step into the conversation. Following the question, Josh attempts to answer but is fumbling over words more than normal, and tells the man that he can’t really talk right now because he still has a lot to process about what we just did and directs the man back to me. I explain what I am looking to expose from this project, this reminds Joshua of a few things that he wanted to add. The guy was very kind and listened attentively for our over explanation of things, and we never really got to hear him speak before we ran on to get some wine.
Once we get back to the room I see I have text messages about my mom from her best friend, who sounded concerned. I sent her a few text and she was confused so I called her. We ended up talking for about a half an hour and she was calm and ready to sleep. I had a nap and intended to get a few things done today, so I wanted to start on them, but could tell Josh wanted to hangout, once he has a cup of wine in him he becomes very talkative and playful. I told him it is odd that he likes to socialize but chose a place where he could not go out and do so. Then I end up showing him some of my pictures on facebook for half an hour. He grew tired of looking at the pictures and I was a bit shocked how each one really contained a different story, I have done a lot of stuff.
I decided to let Josh relax, and get some of that stuff done. I really wanted to write about the day but it is not looking like I will have time to do so now. I could tell that Josh wanted something still, though he was done with the photos he moved in the bed to put his head at the foot near where I was sitting at with my computer. I continue typing, not wanting to leave him to wanting more or from trying to entertain me as a host, I have been thinking of going to type in the lobby, and once he seems nearly asleep I decide to get up to move out to lobby and shut off the lights in the room for him. He wants me to leave one on. I think that’s fair I don’t want to force him to sleep now or anything.
Maybe twenty minutes have gone by I have heard a door open once and feet in the hallway then I heard the door close. I thought this might have been Joshua but was not sure, it could have been one of the people who were out here earlier. Then a few minutes later I hear another door open and josh stands in the front of the couch and talks to me about how he wants to hangout. I’m thinking, aww this is so kind but don’t we already spend like all day everyday together. I ask him what he would like to talk about, because a conversation would be more enjoyable. He responds with, “I don’t know,” and stands there for a moment. I don’t know what to tell him then, so I just respond with what I am trying to get done and that I only want to engage in topics about the project. We look at each other for a little while in silence. I glance at the couch and other seats in the room that he could sit in, and join me, then back at him. He decides to go back into the room, so I look down to and continue typing.